My Angel

My Angel

I first felt his presence when I was six years old.

While crossing the bridge above the raging waters of that fearful river. I felt his protecting wing above my shoulder. I know I don't have any proof, but I'm here, and that's my proof.

A few years later, I was performing one of my tricks by riding my bike in the middle of the street, standing on the frame with my arms extended. I don't know what happened next, but when I regained consciousness, I was lying down with my head resting against a tree. I could mention many more examples of my angel's heroism. I sure had him busy.

I never saw him, of course, but I often felt his presence. I began to call him Angel.

When I was a kid, he often got me out of trouble. However, as my innocence began to fade, so did him.

Now, I wonder if my guardian angel kept me out of trouble. That angel might have been my mom. She probably was his substitute, an alternate angel, or the 'just in case' angel. My mom was never on time to save me from accidents or personal tragedies, but she permanently cured and consoled me afterward. She used to protect me against my daytime fears, like hunger, sickness, and cold, and also against my nighttime fears, like monsters my mind created. Just a hug and a kiss from her and I was brave again.

Eventually, the comfort of my guardian angel (real or invented) faded. He wasn't there anymore, not when I fell, failed, or wasn't well.

Then, his angelical presence felt more like a stalker's shadow because he seemed to intervene no longer. Then, he was just an indifferent bystander, an impartial passerby, or a blind witness. However, I believe he was still there.
 
 He must be ageless because I don't think he would have been assigned to care for me when I was a baby if he was a baby too.

That makes me wonder, will he die when I die? Are angels ageless? Do they get sick, or do they get tired or bored? Do they make mistakes?

I kept my angel busy when I was younger. Nowadays, with my semi-sedentary life, his days must be filled with boredom; he might even be retired already.

I remember loaning him to my son-in-law when he was on soldier duty. When he returned (my angel), he was a little traumatized. He was never the same; he became careless and ignored his duties.

During that time, I got involved in a fight, and some guy kicked the crap out of me. I know it was my fault. I know I was completely drunk. I know I initiated the whole incident, but maybe the other guy's angel was bigger too.

On another occasion, I remember I was a little drunk, too, a little more than the time previously mentioned. I was driving my pickup truck when a stupid mountain crossed my path. I made a sudden turn, and I crashed near the edge of a cliff. I know it was my fault, and I was completely drunk.

Where's an angel when you need one?

He abandoned me a long time ago. That's for sure. No hard feelings.

At work, using power tools and ladders, I rarely had any accidents. I was never careless, even if I was a little drunk. Or maybe my angel did help me after all.

On another occasion, I almost drowned in a river. My angel was swimming behind me; I was the only one who made it to the riverbank. That's the last time I "saw" him.

After that, I had to learn how to avoid getting in trouble because I noticed the prolonged absence of my inept or absent angel.

Another theory I had when he disappeared for long periods was that he was probably chasing female angels. I don't believe all angels are male. Why should they be? God couldn't be so discriminatory. I think mine was a male. But if they exist, they must need companionship too.

Sometimes, I thought I got it backward. I never knew if my angel was there to guard me or if I was supposed to keep an eye on him. Could it be that he was the fool, and I was the angel? Nobody would have won anything in this case because I never did anything for him, either.

Maybe I'm complaining in vain. After all, I am alive.

Angels and good human beings should always be recycled. That should be the perfect reincarnation. In which case, neither my angel nor I should consider coming back after we're gone.

Angels are supposed to give us nurture and counsel and to help us heal. They're supposed to radiate their love and glory. They are here to keep us safe and to assist us with our fears and phobias. He succeeded with all of that. But he could never remove the dark cloud I had above me.

Or keeping bad luck away from me was not his duty.

And now, finally, I can blame somebody.



Edmundo Barraza
Lancaster, Ca. May19-2013
 http://edbar1952-accomplishedignorant.blogspot.com