Suicidal Tendencies

The perfect scenario for my death would be, to be in the epicenter of a 9.5 earthquake or at the center of a nuclear bomb explosion. Or an asteroid exterminating the entire human race from the face of the earth or any unexplainable extinction of humankind by divine mandate.

I don’t want to witness and suffer the deaths of people I love, but I don't want to die alone either. I would be less afraid if we all die together. Where’s a nuclear bomb when you need one? I must be afraid or selfish, but that’s how I wish the end to be. 

Of course, we’re all going to die, the difference is, most people don’t know when. It could be tomorrow in a sudden freak accident or fifty years from now. 

As for me, I know my end is near.

You don’t need to know what I'm dying of, or how much time I have left. That’s not important, what matters is that I’m half way gone. Another thing I wish, is to die before my life ends.

Knowing that I'm going to die feels devastating. It feels like I'm the only one dying out of the seven billion humans on Earth. I feel lonely and sad. Even if all the people around me feel sympathy and compassion, it has the opposite effect. Of course, when they’re not in your presence, they go on with their lives to deal with their  problems, which could be many and difficult to overcome. But they don’t know how easy they have it.

I would easily trade my life for anybody with a life with a million regular problems.

I’ve been wondering for some time about the worse ways to die, and I came up with quite a few.

Burnt alive must be horrible. Drowned must be terrible too. Stoned to death, asphyxiated, mutilated, stabbed to death, or the different ways used for capital punishment cases, like the electric chair, lethal injections, hanged. Even the old methods like, guillotine, or execution by a shooting squad. 

I would choose any of those deaths a hundred times instead of the way I’m dying. I know I’m allowed to complain a little bit. After all, I’m not going to be around for too long. And I blame God. He ruined all the fun I was having. He blew away all the sparks and pleasures from my life. I feel double-crossed and deceived. I wonder if it was done randomly or if He specifically chose me. I also wonder, if it hadn’t been me, would He had chosen someone else? 

I’m not afraid of the specific moment when I'm supposed to die but the days, months or years that need to pass between the time when I learned about my fate and the instant when my death arrives. That is an unbearable agony.

After my life span was abruptly cut short, my perspective in life drastically changed. Suddenly my curiosity to learn everything grew. I wanted to experience so many things. And that made me realize what the most important thing in life is TIME.

I’m sure the biggest sin in one’s life is to waste time. One-third of my life I’ve spent (or wasted) sleeping. I’ve spent a lot of time doing unsatisfying things or boring jobs. At least I’m glad I didn’t read the Bible a hundred times or consumed half my life in a church. That wouldn’t have made an ounce of difference. 

I want to tell everyone to double their goals, to conquer the world, and to fear nothing. To admit that Plant a tree, write a book and have a child is not enough. Instead, plant a forest, write books, poems and songs, have many children. Give love and friendship to everyone you encounter, and banish anger and hate from your heart. Keep a perpetual smile on your face and stand against injustice every chance you get.

I wonder why life doesn’t come with instructions, and why don’t we get a second chance.

I’m ready for another opportunity. Let me start from the beginning. This time I want to guide myself. I want to be the voice of my conscience with all the experience I’ve collected in my entire life. I want to give advice to myself from day one. I need to tell myself that I could have not only one career, but two or three. 

I don’t consider myself a fool or a genius, but, does it make a difference if I die a fool or if I die a genius? I think that if I were a fool I wouldn't be having these profound thoughts. I would just be a happy fool and die a happy fool, but I’m sure I’ll never envy a fool. Well, except now. 

If I could get another chance, I'd like to be more curious, more experimental. I would never regret anything. Instead, I would ignore all bad moments, troubled times and sad experiences.

Suicide is a real option for me, because I'm seeking relief from my pain. I don’t know if I could dare to accelerate my impending and unavoidable fate, but I have to admit that I had contemplated several forms of suicide, including,

• Carbon monoxide. All you need is a car, a garage and of course, a bottle of tequila.

• Jump in front of a train. Even though, I’d be dead, I’m also concerned about how I would look in my coffin. 

• Jump from a tall building. I’m afraid of this one, because, once you’re in the air, there’s no way to back out.

• Drink a whole bottle of tequila and then take an entire bottle of aspirins. This might not work, because once you finish with a  bottle of tequila, you’ll pass out and probably forget about the second part.

 

• Gunshot to the head. To me this is the most attractive method. I don’t know if this is the method most people use. In my opinion using a gun is the easiest way out. I’m glad I don’t have one. I don’t like guns. Sometimes I ask myself if people would kill themselves if they didn’t have a gun available. 

 

*As you can see, I might not be too serious about this or I just might be a coward because for ever conceivable method I find, I also find an excuse not to do it.

                                                                             

But if you're thinking about suicide, the best companion you can have is a bottle of tequila. Maybe you would just get drunk and forget about the whole thing. Yes, tequila could be the best friend in times of distress. 

EDMUNDO BARRAZA

Visalia, CA. 08-07-2012

http://edbar1952-accomplishedignorant.blogspot.com/