Depression

It's 3:00 AM and I can't sleep. I’m feeling depression for the first time in my life. I feel empty. I'm lying on my bed wanting to get up but I have nothing to do. I can't think of anything to do, nothing stimulates me. I can’t breathe, it feels like my life has no meaning. Jimi Hendrix was right, manic depression is a frustrating mess. I want to die but I don't want to die. This emotion is unbearable. I bet this is what it feels when you're about to die, which I wouldn’t mind. I’m not sure whether I should feel good or bad. I feel like my life is evaporating, like I have no past, no future and the present is useless. If I die no one will miss me at all. I was thinking about my old dog and the way he's been acting lately, he keeps walking aimlessly and endlessly. He can barely see, he can’t smell and he can’t hear. Comparing myself to my dog seems disrespectful (to my dog). I'm too low for zero. I need a purpose in life, but it needs to be unselfish. Death is not the solution, although I feel attracted to it somehow. I’m sure this is a feeling felt or shared by many suicidal persons. This is the first time I experience this bizarre feeling. I don't like this overwhelming sensation of complete emptiness. I wouldn't mind dying right now. I'm afraid that if I die right now I might regret it. What if I still feel depressed after I die? The fear I feel sends shivers down my spine. I feel like my life is escaping through my throat. Instead of wishing an end or an exit, instead of giving up like many quitters, I need to find what to do with my life. I need to live for a reason; I need to volunteer for a good cause. I need to fight for something. Depression is a terrible feeling. Nothing is missing and everything is missing. Even God can't help me or guide me. I know I’m vulnerable and weak. Do I wish to know when my end will come? Do I want to advance that date? I rather find something meaningful to do. The things I used to enjoy seem meaningless now. My indifference is greater than my enthusiasm. I’ve learned that my passion for injustices isn’t as fulfilling as it used to be. My long life of anger and rage against injustices hasn’t taken me anywhere, so I’m a little tired in that regard. Maybe now I need to be a direct participant or a vigilante. In my wild thoughts I often considered that if I had a limited amount of time left I would go out with my short list of undesirables and take them out one by one. I might need more than a lifetime for that. I ask myself if that would make me a villain or a hero. But that would be a good community service. To really count in this world I would need to be another MLK or Gandhi, but that's impossible, they only come one in every ten billion people. In any case, depression sucks, nothing gives me joy. I probably need to be extremely tired to get rid of this feeling or maybe, I’m just too exhausted. I wish I can win the lottery so I can give all the money away. I’m sure that would make me happy. If I were a saint, I would listen to all prayers and I would concede all petitions. I know that would make me happy too. The truth is, I'm too old to be feeling depressed for the first time. I don't envy people that had suffered depression most of their lives. But I know this feeling is temporary just like happiness and sadness. Next time I feel depressed instead of thinking so deeply about it I'll run to play with my grand kids, they're the best anti-depressant. I hope you have grandchildren. Don't do anything drastic, this is just a temporary ugly feeling. There's a lot of reasons to be happy too. 
  

Edmundo Barraza

Lancaster, Ca.

8-19-2015