Accomplished Ignorant: The Last One

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

I’ve done it thousands of times

Zero risk factors, I thought before the first one

This is the last one. I said a million times

I don’t care if I die. As long as it’s just me

I don’t care about hell

Much less about heaven or paradise

I don’t care if I die, only if it’s painless, sudden and fast

Five thousand times I should be dead

Don’t call me stupid, I’m already dead

How did I get here? Who brought me home?

Lessons never learned

Riding in the back, free ride to jail, handcuffs and all

A.A., community service and the rest, I’ve done it all twice and more

I promised never to do it again

Only to forget and repeat, worse than before

Five thousand times at least, I’m good at math

Never looked bad, hardly missed work, hardworking imbecile

Only understand when I’m sober and dry

But if I kill someone else, I’ll do more than cry

I’ll drink till I drown

Punishment or reward?

I don’t know why I’m still here

A million hours wasted with temporary, transient, fleeting friends

I don’t dare say where I should have been instead. It pains my soul

Shame only appears after the fact

Shame disappears with the first shot

Time has gone forever

Time I’ll never recover, even if my sanity is the only thing I'll recover

The ones I love will be with me when I die

If they felt loved during my prolonged absences

Edmundo Barraza

Lancaster, Ca. 09-17-2014

Accomplished Ignorant