I can’t sleep. I think I’m learning about a new feeling. I’m feeling depression for the first time in my life. I feel empty inside, hollow. It feels like I can’t breathe, like my life has no meaning. I think I’m dying and I don’t mind, but I’m not sure whether I should feel good or bad. I feel like my life is evaporating. I have no past, no future. The present is useless. If I die no one will miss me at all. I was thinking about my old dog, he keeps walking aimlessly and endlessly. He can barely see, he can’t smell, he can’t hear, he can barely walk. Even comparing myself to my dog seems disrespectful (to my dog). Life is meaningless. I need a purpose. It needs to be unselfish, I know that for sure. Death is not the solution, although I feel attracted to it somehow. I’m sure this is a feeling felt or shared by many suicidal persons. This is the first time I feel like this and I don’t like it. The fear I feel sends shivers down my spine. I feel like my life is escaping through my throat. Instead of wishing an end, an exit or a solution, instead of giving up like many quitters I need to find what to do with my life. I need to live for a reason; I need to volunteer for a good cause. I need to fight for something. Depression is a terrible feeling. Nothing is missing and everything is missing. God cannot guide me, God can’t help me. God can’t take me. I have my health, my precarious health. I’m vulnerable. Do I wish to know when will I die? Do I want to advance that date? Do I want to accelerate my destiny? I rather find something meaningful to do. At least I’m still able to love and enjoy some things. But those things are decreasing. I need to make a list and add up or renovate my desires. I’ve learned that my passion for injustices isn’t as fulfilling as it used to be, my long life of anger and rage against injustices hasn’t taken me anywhere, so, I’m a little tired in that regard. Maybe I need to participate more actively or directly. In my wild thoughts I often considered that if I had a limited amount of time left, I would go out with my short list of undesirables and take them out one by one, (mostly politicians from around the world) that would be a good service to my fellow citizens of the world, but useless anyhow, because new fools are born every minute. We always vote for stupid people anyway. To really count in this world, I would need to be another MLK or Gandhi, but they only come one in every ten billion people. Depression sucks. Maybe I need to be extremely tired to get rid of this feeling, or maybe I’m just too exhausted. I wish I can win the lottery, so I can give all the money away. I’m sure that would make me happy. If I were a saint, I would listen to all prayers and concede all kinds of miracles, which would make me happy too. I would post all the lottery winning numbers on the newspaper, so everyone could win, even if it’s just one dollar each. But everyone would be a winner. If I could, I would make everyone healthy for an eternity. But my greatest wish would be to never see any suffering among children, no accidents, sickness or death. Now, that’s a nice thought, I’m feeling better already. I’m feeling sleepy. That’s a good sign. I’ll continue tomorrow. Good night.
*I wrote this a couple of nights ago. I couldn't sleep, I was feeling really terrible, out of the blue just for no reason. I got off the rails for a second. Not to worry. I found myself again. I'm going to continue fighting against the evils of the world. You can feel safe again..