Wednesday, September 17, 2014

The Last One

I’ve done it thousands of times
Zero risk factor, I thought before the first one
This is the last one. I said a million times
Don’t care if I die. As long as it’s just me
Don’t care about hell
Much less about heaven or paradise
Don’t care if I die, only if it’s painless, sudden and fast
Five thousand times I should be dead
Don’t call me stupid, I’m already dead
How did I get here, who brought me home?
Lessons never learned
Riding in the back, free ride to jail, handcuffs and all
A.A., community service and the rest, I’ve done it all twice and more
Promised never to do it again
Only to forget and repeat again, worse than before
Five thousand times at least, I’m good at math
Never looked bad, hardly missed work, hardworking imbecile
Only understand when I’m sober and dry
But if I kill someone else, I’ll do more than cry
I’ll drink till I drown
Punishment or reward?
Don’t know why I’m still here
A million hours wasted with temporary, transient, fleeting friends
I don’t dare say where should I’d been instead, it pains my soul
Shame only appears after the fact
Shame disappears with the first shot
Time gone forever
Time I’ll never recover, even if I recover my sanity
The ones I love will be with me when I die
If they felt loved during my prolonged absences

Edmundo Barraza
Lancaster, Ca. 09-17-2014

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

A Conversation With God (The Interview)

Introduce yourself, please. 

I am God. I made everything. That’s all you need to know.

Are you perfect?

No, I’m not, I make mistakes. The biggest one so far, was trying to make you an image of myself. I failed miserably. I did the first part; you have the option to finish the rest yourself. I had an option too, when I first noticed that I had made a mistake, I could have erased you and started from scratch again. But I decided to wait. In the end I liked what I saw. You had imperfections and you had your whole life to work on them. You know it as “free will”. 

Are you happy?

Happiness is never permanent. You’re my children, sometimes you don’t behave properly and that makes me sad.

Why do you allow so many injustices in the world?

You have to stop blaming me for everything. I gave you your life. You do with it as you like, if you’re happy or not it’s your choice. It’s your free will. The choices you make will make you happy or miserable. It’s all up to you, you do it to yourself. You gain nothing by blaming me.

Do you have a mother?

No, I never had. I’m not sad because of that. There’s nothing to miss. Consider me as a planet, I was passing by, I was a little bored and I started to play with mud. The rest is history. 
Are you going to help us one day? 

No, you’re helping yourselves. You’re on your own, after thousands of years you should know that by now. Once again, I gave you the world; if you destroy it’s your fault.

If you’re our father, who’s our mother?

You can have Eve or Mary, or Mother Earth. If you’re asking me if I have a wife, no, I don’t. And I’m not looking for one either. 

Do you believe in the Bible?

That’s a funny one. 

Do you?

Nobody should. It’s been edited without my permission a million times. You should consider the Bible to be just a rumor. Somebody said: “News told, rumors heard, truth implied, facts buried.” I can’t say it better than that. Rumors don’t care what’s true. What you say now, it’s going to be changed tomorrow. Always remember . . . Rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools, and accepted by idiots.

Do you listen to our prayers?

No. Why should I? If I’m not going to fix your problems. 

Is there anybody you admire?

Yes, the list is long. And not all of them are here with me.

Do you mean you could also admire evil people?

If he or she’s smart, why not?

Is the world going to end soon?

I cannot answer that. The world ends when you die. Don’t worry about that. Embrace life, death is your reward.

Are the Popes helping you?

Not at all, they’re too antiquated, they’re worse than my apostles, disciples and prophets. Not all of them are here with me. Sorry I can’t give you the list. 

Tell me a little about Paradise and Hell.

They don’t exist. With your behavior you can experience both.

Excuse me, but I think that your job is boring. Is it?

If all of you were good, I would have resigned a long time ago.  What makes it interesting is bad people. My job is not boring; I’m watching millions of movies at the same time. Evil is winning.

Will you ever send another of your sons back to earth?

No, you people are too mean. Jesus is still traumatized by your actions. 

Can you perform a miracle?

I’m not a magician. I like you, but I’m not going to please you just like that. When you die, I’ll make you stop breathing. How’s that for a miracle?

If atheists don’t believe in you, do you believe in them?

Atheists are fools, so are Jesus freaks. I feel sorry for them. They should spend their time more wisely.

Why do some people hate homosexuality?

People that hate homosexuals are fools too. Your body is yours, do with it as you please. Just don’t mistreat it and don’t kill yourself.

Did you write the Ten Commandments? 

Yes, but they were only five or six in the beginning. The rest were made up to make you docile and obedient, so they could control you. As a matter of fact I don’t want you to be afraid of me. If you don’t worship me, nothing bad will happen to you. Moses must have smoked pot before he climbed that mountain. I’ll give you the list later.

Are you really everywhere?

I’m not everywhere, that’s baloney. Religions are man-made, and they want to manipulate you easier. And the best way to achieve that is to plant fear in you. I’ve never seen you committing a sin. 

Who is the Holy Spirit?

Same thing as mermaids, unicorns and big foot.

Are you handsome?


Can I have a selfie with you?

Don’t be silly.

Are you against divorce and homosexuals and contraceptives?

No and no and no. Marriage should not have chains, your body should not have chains, and sex requires chains sometimes, no, erase the last one. What I mean to say is that sex needs to be restrained sometimes. You should think twice about promiscuity.

Of all the injustices in the world, the most terrible one is to see children suffer. Can you do something about it?

If you stop having them, they won’t suffer anymore. Children are human, all humans suffer sometimes.

I’m not convinced; you need to do something about it. Child suffering is something we “fools” can’t stand. Promise you’ll do something. 

If all of you help me, something can be done.

Do you hate Satan?

I don’t love him and I don’t hate him, I just dislike him. I dislike Hitler too.

Can I have my cake and eat it too?

Yes. But when you die, you won’t be allowed to bring anything here, not even a slice for me.

Do you like Rock? 

I like classical music. 

Rolling Stones or Beatles?

Beatles. When the Stones come up with “Sympathy for God” I might reconsider.

Why did you allow the holocaust to happen?

I have no blood in my hands. Humans kill humans. Intervention is not in my vocabulary. (This is important)

Can you disarm the entire world?

Humans kill humans. Humans build arms and weapons.

Will we ever have a new God, or Goddess? Can someone else come and challenge you?

Have you heard about Satan? A Goddess might not be a bad idea.

Some might say that this interview it’s a fake, they might think that I’m answering my own questions. 

If they can believe in the Bible and its million tales, they can believe in this. If not, who cares? 

Can you be my friend?


Why are your responses so laconic?

I don’t need to adorn things up. I’m wise.

I think you’re a little cold. Do you love me?

Sorry, come here, give me a hug.

You mentioned several times that we are on our own, and that you don’t want to intervene with us anymore. Then, what are you good for? 

Are you saying I’m useless?

No, I’m just implying that you don’t do anything anymore. 

I’m the judge and the administrator. I’m the doorkeeper too. 

Do you enjoy giving punishment?

You get what you deserve. If the balance turns out to be unfair it gets even after you die. 

Who made you?

I thought you’d never ask that. I made me myself. 

Are homosexuals a third gender?

Sex is your own invention. Procreation is love and reward. 

Why don’t you show yourself?

I do sometimes, but you ignore me or mistreat me, just like you do with each other. 

Why don’t you make guns and drugs disappear?

You’ll invent them again next day. 

Are you better than Superman?

I wish.

Are religions good for mankind?

No. I’m still waiting for humans to invent something good.

Was it all planned this way, including your mistakes? 

No, it’s been deteriorating from the beginning. I didn’t think you would turn out to be so smart. If you could alter my design, then you’re smarter than what I thought. 

Can you send us a copy of the original manuscripts of the Bible? 

What for, you’ll change it again. 

Do you think we could have been able to domesticate dinosaurs? 

No, they ate the first generation.

What side are you on, Israel or Palestine?

None, they’re both fools.

If you are omnipotent, why don’t you get rid of Satan? That way everybody could be good all the time.

Satan is in you, so am I. You fight good and evil within you. 

I need to take a leak, let’s take a break. Do you pee too? Mm, never mind that.


How old are you and when’s your birthday?

Next question.

What’s outside the universe?

More universes.

Why don’t you get rid of mosquitoes?

A mosquito asked me the same question about humans.

Are you going to cry when I die?

The only time I cried was when you crucified my son. And that was enough.

Are you an extraterrestrial?

Yes, I wasn’t born here.

Are you the only God? Do you have your own God?

I’m the only God on this planet. I believe in me.

What would you do if Jehovah’s witnesses knock on your door?

I wouldn’t make any noise until they left. 

Is the human race improving?

Very slowly. 

Do you have a favorite Country? (Please, please, say the USA)

You’re funny. All humanity is a single people. There are no countries in my heart.

Then “God Bless America” is meaningless and useless?

Only American innocence and naivety could believe I would only “bless America”. That’s silly.    

Can you give me the original list of the “Ten Commandments”?

1.      Obey your Mom and Dad.
2.      Do not kill.
3.      Be faithful in marriage.
4.      Do not steal.
5.      Never tell a lie.
6.      Don’t be jealous of what others have. 

The other four were added without my permission. They were about me, and nobody should consider those. 

Any last thoughts or advice for us humans? 

Just be good and love each other. 

Edmundo Barraza
Lancaster, Ca. 09-16-2014

Friday, September 12, 2014

Will Write For Food

With my pen I’m the boss. I’m a writer, even if I’m the only one to think I am. With my pen I’m more powerful than Superman. I can bring the dead back to life and I can kill all the undesirables of the world. Or I can make my frustrations disappear and tell a thousand lies. I write to please me, but if you like what I write, that would please me even more. I can have my characters act better than Pacino and Brando. I can invite Faulkner, McCarthy and Garcia Marquez to write a few lines for you, though, they wouldn’t know. I can bring saints and Virgins to the page, and marry them to monsters and sinners. I can turn superheroes into villains without you turning the page. I can kidnap your young wife, and ask you for a million dollars, and still keep both. Or rob a bank with just a note, written with the same pen. I would doubt any of it to be any good, but I said I could write and I know that I could. I wrote, I write and I will write. I can accommodate twenty six different letters any way I choose, like no one’s ever done it before, of course, with a million mistakes in between, most of it wouldn’t make sense, but I can write. I can find Hitler in a church; I can have St Francis of Assisi hunting for deer. I can make Gandhi challenge Mandela to a twenty paces duel. I can turn Anne Frank into a Lolita if I want, though nobody would like it, not even I. How about Mother Teresa and Rigoberta Manchu, they’re better than saints, but in my stories I bet they can follow Charles Manson too. I can have the USA dominate the entire world, for that I wouldn’t need much effort. I can judge anyone or anything and hide behind my pen, just call it fiction and I’m safe. I can be handsome, young and strong, or I can be the opposite. I can be the best with my brain and my pen, but only on page. I can imitate Jeffry Dahmer or Ted Bundy, and have them kill everyone in the story, left and right, with just my pen. I can fix the entire world; I can cure cancer, end wars and start new ones. I can eradicate poverty, feed the world and replace dictators. If I use all my mental strength and all the cells in my brain, I can make the world love the USA. As hard as it seems, I can do all of that with the ink in my pen. I can end terrorism, capitalism, imperialism, atheism and racism. I can even fill nihilism with positivism. (Oh, I love Wikipedia) I can be good, I can be bad, but that doesn’t mean I have to be mean. I wouldn’t insult anyone, and I’ll always consider you smarter than me. My archrivals and nemesis sometimes are better than my heroes, but the worst nemesis I know is bigger than the Great Wall of China, writer’s block is the real boss; it annuls “my talent” in an instant. When it hits, I feel like I’m writing with black ink on a black page in a dark cave. If you really want to know, writing is not that hard, what’s really hard is to be a good writer. I just found out anybody can write. Well it’s been a pleasure, but I need to go back to work, I need to feed the chickens now. Back to reality, I was on my break. I don’t know who left this pen here. 

Edmundo Barraza

Lancaster, Ca. 09-11-2014

My heart and soul are with my friends (all of them) that died on Sept-11-2001